My Sins

It's time for confession.

Sometimes, I stereotype Christians. Even the ones I know. Sometimes I think they're intolerant, self-righteous, arrogant, ignorant (intentionally or otherwise), hypocritical, and so on. I usually manage to catch myself, but it's still disconcerting. Not all Christians are like this of course-and it's the rare few that have all of those traits.

The truth is sometimes I think this way about all types of religious people. I only single out Christians above because they're the most familiar to me and the ones I come into contact with the most. If I lived in Israel I might feel the same way about Jews, or Muslims if I lived in Saudi Arabia. (Although I might not express my thoughts, given the blasphemy laws some middle eastern countries have.)

I read a lot of American and global news. I read about the rise of Christian nationalism in the United States, religiously motivated cliterodectomies in Africa, and honour killings in the middle east and even parts of the first world. I also read a few atheist blogs, some of which appear in the sidebar. These blogs occasionally discuss events from around the world that exemplify the horrors of fundamentalist religion. As an atheist, these things scare me.

I don't come from a religious background. I don't have that experience. This makes it difficult for me to understand religious people on a fundamental level. If you have ever given a dog a command and the dog is unsure what to do, it will often cock its head to the side as it looks at you. I feel like that dog sometimes when I talk to religious people.

I hope you can forgive me.

Chuck Norris Has Lost All My Respect and Adoration.

I did intend to make this post about my trip to Europe, but through the glory that is Nick Gisburne's website, I found my way to Objective: Ministries. I will now, for your pleasure, create a list of humourous things (or at least things that I find humourous) that I have found on the website.

1. They claim that the Internet was created by the United States of America, that the United States of America is a Christian nation, and that it is their Internet.

2. They have a section on "Evolutionist Propaganda," a section entitled "Those Wacky Evolutionists," and use a racial slur: "Chinamen."

3. Their "Mall Missions" section is too large for me to give a full account. At one point, they draw conclusion about the names of various retail stores. Here's my favorite bit, describing teenagers: "Called "Mall Rats" in their nihilistic Secular culture, they can often be found hanging around malls after public school doing nothing constructive."

4. Their "Anti-Occult" section. Again, this is too large for a full account. It has an image of druids performing a ceremony in front of a tree. The caption reads: "Typical Druid coven sacrificing a human to a tree." I recommend that you listen to their recording of a druid ceremony for additional hilarity.

5. Their "4 Kidz" [sic] section. My favorites are "Habu's Corner" which is nothing but a testimony to ignorance (Hindus are henotheistic, not polytheistic) and "Spiritual Safety Tip" which provides information on what a child should do if they encounter an atheist. Go ahead, click on Mr. Gruff's head! He's right about one thing: "Coffee's the only thing that gives me solace!"

6. Their online store features clothing with images of a laughing Jesus with the caption LOL (Love Our Lord.) Unfortunately, this includes a thong with a laughing Jesus conveniently missing the "LOL: Love Our Lord." NOW I know why Jesus is laughing.

7. The banner ads. Here are some highlights:

-One of those banner Flash games where you need to hit something. You need to hit a "beatnik atheist" carrying a sign reading "I hate God" with a Bible. The prize? A free Bible, how unimaginative.

-A National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools ad featuring Chuck Norris as a spokesman. Chuck Norris, you have just lost all my respect. ...Please don't kill me.

-"Armor of God" Pajamas. This doesn't need explaining.

-I'm just going to quote this one: "The Presidential Prayer Team For Kids. Hey kids! President Bush needs your prayers!" The Hell he does.

-"Bible Bar: Contains the eight foods of Deuteronomy 8:8"

-"His Essence: Candles that smell like our Lord."

-"Useabeliever.com: Because I don't want my money supporting non-Christians." I didn't know that Christians had their own Yellow Pages.

-Biblical Action Figures. Enough said.

-An ad for the Christian Hackers Association reading: "JESUS IS L33T3R THAN NEO" or "GOD HAS UNIVERSAL ROOT."

-"Have you seen pornography on the Internet? It is illegal to distribute obscene material over the Internet. make a report!" Bullsh*t. The Internet is an unregulated medium for the transfer of information.

-"Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg press 2000 pounds? How does he do it?" [insane laughter] Apparently he uses protein shakes.

-An ad that in part reads "Fact: Being gay takes 30 years off your life! That's not cool..." That's also not true, fundie.

-I can't read the banner ad for this one, so here's the website.

-An ad for 1-in-3 Trinity Christian Energy Drink. "Refuel your Faith!"

-"Straight Pride [Trade Mark]. Show your pride, get a bride! Got a womb? Get a groom!" I can't wait to hear the feminists rage about this one.

-"Works Through Faith: W.T.F. Ministries." I don't need to explain this, do I?

-"Larry Dye, The Creation Guy!" How bad is it when you need to parody a name that's lame to begin with? (All apologies to Bill Nye, The Science Guy. We know you're awesome.)

-An ad for Fight the Good Fight Ministries. It has the caption "Satan wants your children!" with a pair of blond lesbians kissing. I'm sold.

-This ad features a gun pointed at the reader with the caption "Evolutionists want to murder you. You are just an animal to them."

-"Book 22: Intimacy products for married couples." It's a reference to the Song of Solomon. I admit, I don't think I've ever heard of a sex store catering specifically to Christians before. After taking a look at their merchandise, I don't think that (their) God would approve.

Peace out, readers. The Muse is stopping here.