...Is a b*tch of a taskmaster.
I had a conversation with a teacher I admire very much today. The conversation was about a few overdue assignments I had (read: have) and it can essentially be broken down into this:
Him: "You deserve a good grade in this course."
Me, internally: Yeah, right.
I left the conversation in a very sour and depressed mood, despite the rash of good events that had happened to me previously. I did substantially better than the class average on an exam, I got three free books, and I won a contest. Still, I was mopey. I have an annoying tendency when I'm depressed to have thoughts of an existential and nihilistic flavour. Standard emo bullsh*t. (Go cry emo, I'm not going to give you the dignity of a capital 'e.')
To paraphrase a friend of mine, I have a preconceived image of the world and how it works (or should work) and I act irrationally when reality does not match this preconceived image. (I'm obsessive-compulsive, so sue me.)
I have a very antagonistic view as far as late assignments are concerned. If it's late, I'm not going to get any marks for it, so I'm not going to bother wasting my time with it. The problem is that this isn't the case. I can get marks for late assignments, just not as many. I don't care about the assignments. They do.
This led me to two questions. First, is my notion that late assignments are not permissible a preconceived notion that I impose on myself because of a perceived (or idealistic) social standard? Second, am I just trying to justify my actions?
I think that the first question is true. I don't think that I should receive any marks for a late assignment. Most, if not all of the student body would probably disagree. So much for the perceived social standard. I have no doubt that it's a preconceived idea. As an only child, I'm subject to the stereotype that only children have poor social skills, little or no friends, are spoiled, prodigies, and so on. Unfortunately all stereotypes have some basis in fact.
As a very young child I had no-one I would consider a 'friend' and mostly associated with adults. I think this left a lasting impression on my psyche. Specifically, I think I learned a fair number of behaviours from mimicking and to uphold myself to an exacting standard. The standards I demand of myself are neither reasonable or realistic. I fear that this is a deep-seated and irreversible behaviour, and probably the root cause of my disorder. It's frustrating, and frankly, it pisses me off. I don't blame my parents or my family, but I digress.
The implications of the second question, to me, seem worse. Do I use my belief that I should not receive marks for overdue assignments as a justification for not completing them? (Even if it is just a subconscious justification?) If this is true, then I'm only justifying my laziness. Irregardless of whether it's true or not, I still need to deal with the consequences of the first question.
I'm sure that I will be obsessive-compulsive for the rest of my natural life. But I need to break this cycle and control it if I'm going to succeed.
3 comments:
We're birds of a feather on this subject. I was just talking with someone about how I'll procrastinate a project if I don't think I can do it to the best of my abilities -- invariably, I convince myself that its for my best interests to put it off until I have the skill set to accomplish it, but I'm kidding myself. I think one of the most difficult things for humans to admit is that we're lazy by nature.
"To paraphrase a friend of mine..."
Was that Kai? I seem to recall him saying something to that effect when he 'analyzed' you.
Since I too was an only child, I learned to react to the world in a similar style. The unfortunate thing about perfectionism and having learned from adults as peers is that if the pendulum swings too far in the other direction, one can be too lenient with oneself. Results could be sloppy, half-cocked, and immature -- its a real pity that the usual solution (and the one most of us were taught to obey to the letter) is aggravated perfectionism. Something must be done perfectly or it shouldn't be done at all, and lateness could certainly fall under an 'imperfection'.
Sometimes I wonder if SIDES's "nothing is ever late" policy is a con rather than a pro, not to mention the fact that its easier to hand in assignments that aren't up to one's personal standards if there isn't a face behind the marker to disappoint. I've personally found it less challenging to hand in sloppy work if there isn't a "real live" person to feel upset about it. I suppose this is narrow minded, seeing as there are real live people marking my assignments, but having never met them, its easier to say, "Well, I think that's good enough." (When, of course, if I was to let myself be honest, it isn't.)
"I'm sure that I will be obsessive-compulsive for the rest of my natural life. But I need to break this cycle and control it if I'm going to succeed."
This is precisely what I'm struggling with at the moment. Although I give myself allowances for the limits of my capabilities, there are still vicious cycles of laziness and perfectionism that dog everything I can do.
The (albeit small) pro to all this is that at least we can sympathize with each other and be "comrades in OCD", as it were. The con seems to be that we can't help or advise the other because neither of us really knows how to fix it for good. (Its even more ironic when I think that I plan to go to school to fix people's brains and neuroses, but before I can graduate and learn to fix others, I need to get someone to fix mine.)
"Was that Kai?"
Yes it was.
"Sometimes I wonder if SIDES's..."
If I recall correctly, they do have a time limit on the amount of time you can take to complete a course.
"The con seems to be that we can't help or advise the other because neither of us really knows how to fix it for good."
I have an OCD workbook. I haven't opened it. I thought that cognitive therapy sounded hopeful, but I have my doubts.
"I have an OCD workbook. I haven't opened it. I thought that cognitive therapy sounded hopeful, but I have my doubts."
I'm not sure about cognitive therapy either -- then again, I'm not sure about most forms of therapy, since I haven't seen any one person long enough to get results.
I'd like to see the workbook you have sometime...after going through workbooks on anxiety, phobias, depression, and cutting, I'm pretty skeptical, but new literature always interests me.
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